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Thursday, June 24th, 2004
7:32 pm - The one with the bet and the golfing.

There was once a man at a bachelor party. He was the only unmarried man there, other than the titular bachelor, and was constantly made the butt of jokes from his fellow partiers because of this. That night, the married men made him a bet, that he couldn't find a wife within a month, but if he did, he would win $1000.

So he agreed, and off he went. Not long after that night, he found a beautiful woman at the supermarket.

"I was wondering if you would like to marry me for $500?" the man asked her, and went on to explain the details of the bet to the stranger.

"Only if you can beat me in 3 rounds of golf," the woman replied.

"That seems like an odd request, why do I have to do that?"

"Well, I've always wanted to say it to someone, and now seemed like a very good chance, don't you think?" The man could only agree to the challenge and the question, and arranged a tee time the next morning.

It was at a low-class golf course, and he managed to beat the woman by an astonishing 15 strokes. After the 18 holes, they agreed to meet the same time next week, at a better golf course.

A week later, the man had managed to beat the woman again, but only by a meager 7 strokes. They agreed once again to play at the same time next week, but at a very classy golf course.

The Punch-LineCollapse )

current mood: Hehe haha

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Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
1:15 pm

Alternate Reality Shows

The Swank
- Ugly duckling women are worked on by trained professionals, until they emerge as beautiful and stylish...with an attitude. Watch as these depressed women get transformed into chic starlets who won't even talk because they're too cool

Extremist Makeover (formerly Exreme Layover) - So we've been arresting hundreds of soldiers in Iraq. What do we do with them besides inflicting excrutiating pain on them? We put them in reality shows! We take ordinary unwashed hirsuite Iraqi footmen, and transform them, through the powers of plastic surgery and hair styling, into copycats of western iconry! Abdul and Imin go through the wringer and come out looking like olive-skinned versions of Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp! Then we release them back into their America-hating neighborhoods. Do they blend right back into their cabals? Do they get attacked by their old cohorts who think they're now traitorous pigs? Or do they use their newfound looks to rake in some serious bootie from the groupies?

Fear Factory - The Sloan & Mackenzie thumb tac factory is in violation of every single safety hazard out there. It's a rickety, dangerous factory, that should be condemned, and the owner's too cheap to shell out money to fix it up. Stanley Kozowski just lost an arm last week on the conveyor belt. Everybody's thinking of quitting. The owner just gave them all bigger raises to stay. They're staying, but very concerned who's next to get hurt. And that's why you're staying around to watch: who's next to get hurt, ie, lose an arm, an eye, and eventually their life (during sweeps week)

While you were gone fishing - PETA wackos, hell-bent on saving every last animal they can, start targeting fly fishermen. As the fishermen leave the house to drive to the lake, PETA shows up, breaks in, and starts vandalizing his place, spray painting slogans on the wall, and leaving their mark. Watch as the fisherman returns to find his hovel transformed into a place of hate.

The Bachelor Degree - John Ashton Jr. has just graduated from a prestigious school with a degree in Ancient Sumerian Cuniform, with a secondary in Zwambi dialect. With that diploma, will he get a job? Watch as he interviews day in day out. Observe as his money dwindles and he has to sell his belongings. Gawk as he ends up becoming the costumed mascot at Subways so he won't have to peddle his ass to pay rent.

The Tiniest Groom - Cecil O'Mally, is a groom. A horse groom. Cecil is only 4'2, but FOX hires him to groom raging broncos and unruly stallions. Can a little guy tame the angry steed long enough to brush out his mane? Or does he get trampled to death? Tune in and find out

Joe Hundredaire - FOX takes some good looking yet poor schmuck, and sends him to some inflation-ravaged country where the dollar is king. They don't give him any money. He just spends what little cash he does have. Prostitutes and toothless golddiggers flock to him, offering to 'love him long time'. In the end, they haul him back in, broke but happy...and infested with chiggers. He may have lost what little he had, but the memories...and the veneral diseases...will last forever.

Queer Eye for the Homophobic Guy - Five well dressed effeminate men bust into a Texan's house, hold him down, and forcably dress him up in paisley and stylish threads, and turn his bargain-bin Tex-Mex house decor into a scene straight out of a French cathouse. Holding him down, they give him a fou-fou hairdo, wax his eyebrows into dynamic arcs, and sponge bathe him with aloufa, and douse him with perfume. Then they hightail it out of there before he gets his gun. See, they're not actually trying to improve his life. They're just inducting his life into an immersion of gay cliches. And you'll be there to capture that on tivo!

Med Med House - Take 10 junkies and addicts, and lock them in a house with no doors and no windows. There are 5 dealers on premises who routinely give the junkies a little 'taste' now and then, but not enough for a full high. Every week, they consign someone they don't like to rehab, until they're down to one winner. That winner gets all the brain candy he can intake, after weeks of teasing and withdrawl pains, and ends up ODing right there on national tv. Kids, don't take drugs (and be on reality shows)

Spunk'd - Ordinary people are tricked into thinking that they're getting a job working in a porno. Men and women. In actuality, it's a reality show, where they demean the contestants and make them do depraved things, and in the end, they hold them down and everybody (camera crew, writers, caterers, etc) circle jerks into their hair and face. YOU'VE BEEN SPUNK'D! Show really offers nothing to anyone, but one of the crew members bears a slight resemblance to Ashton Kutcher, except he's 40lbs heavier and East Indian

The Mole - 10 contestants, all with moles on their faces, but one of them only has a paste-on mole. Who has the fake one? Tune in every week to see them try and crack this case, for a prize of $50 and a year's supply of Jello.

The Surreal Lifer - Bruno Dean is serving life without parole in the correctional institution of Iowa, where he cleaved up 3 families with a weed wacker and a pizza cutter. He has garish tattoos of the Teletubbies all over his body, speaks in third person, and is convinced he's a were-chipmonk (when the moon is full, he puts nuts in his mouth!). He's completely off his rocker, and his belfry's full of stupid bats. Now, for kicks, they'll lock a first time offender in a cramped cell with him for 2 weeks lockdown. Hilarity ensues as Bruno engages with the new fish about Teletubbies, climbing trees and endless singalongs of '100 bottles of beer on the wall'. Sweeps week is extra racy, when the new guy wakes up during a full moon as Bruno's unzipping the convict's fly in search of nuts to stuff into his mouth. Oh, Bruno, you so crazy!

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Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
3:04 am

Got Diddles?

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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
2:16 pm

Acme Ape Apprehenders
An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events.
Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them.

The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, "Have you looked in the yellow pages"? The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately.

To his surprise, under "animal capturing service" he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately.

Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door.

"Is there a wooded area in the vicinity?", the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. "Hop in the truck", the little man said. The director did and they drove off.

Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground.

The two men got out, went to the back of the truck and the little man opened the door. An excited little dog jumped out and began running around in circles.

The little man reached into the truck and took out a suitcase, which he opened. In the suitcase were a pair of handcuffs, which he handed to the zoo director, a sawed off shotgun, which he leaned against the trunk of the tree, and a baseball bat.

"Now," the little man said, "I'm going up into the tree with the baseball bat, and I'm going to knock the ape out of the tree. The instant the ape hits the ground the dog, well trained, will bite the ape by the crotch and chomp-down with his jaws. The ape will, instantly and instinctively, grab at his crotch with both hands due to the pain, and you snap the handcuffs on and we've got him.

The zoo director, pointing to the shotgun leaning against the tree, said "I'm not too sure about this -- what's the gun for?"

The little man said, "Look, I'm an expert. I know what I'm doing and things will go just fine, after all, I have the baseball bat. I know my job and it'll never happen but if the ape should, by any chance, knock ME out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG!!!"

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Friday, October 3rd, 2003
1:57 pm - Super Hero Teams to Join....and Avoid

I was reading someone on a fax somewhere, and it said Captain Hakku, but in the squiggly writing, I first thought it said Captain Haiku. I thought it was kind of amusing, and inspired me to make this particular post

Congratulations! You've just developed super powers, and designed your own costume. Now, it's time to join a super hero group to fight crime. There's many groups out there, and it can be kind of tough to decide which group is for you. Here's some clues you can use to pick a good team, and some warning signs so you can avoid a bad team
Read more...Collapse )

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Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
4:18 pm

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The
doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs.

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12:02 pm

From the Week

A government official in Ireland warned that incense burned on the altar during Catholic Masses may be carcinogenic. Jim McDaid, who is a physician, warned that the smoke could harm altar boys and girls. The Church said it would look into the issue


Bishop Archibald was also quoted as saying "geeze, first you say priest penises are bad for altar boys, now incense smoke? They sure don't make them like they used to. When I was a lad, I 'had relations' with priests 7 times a day (9 times after they got into the Sunday wine and got 'randy'), and would have to breathe fogs of incense (Father Donahue liked to keep a stable of altar boys for Sunday mass), and I turned out alright. Sometimes I would come home Sunday, hoarse as a frog and barely able to walk, and I was thankful that I could serve the Lord in any way possible. Today's boys are soft and heathenous! Let me say, holy smoke and unwanted penile penetration just builds character and faith! The kids these days are getting distracted and open to temptation. Mark my words, it's their onus to uphold church history, and they're breaking it right and left, what with this incense censorship and this refusal to give up the ass! Centuries of church dogma, cessated this year alone. Mark my words, sonny, you'll be sorry you complained about all of this when you're burning in hell with your perfectly intact, dreamy, succulent, yummy ass...mmmmmm, asss...what was I talking about? Oh yes, God has designs for your ass, and when you defy his plans, you suffer the consequences of eternal torment!"

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Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
1:37 pm

Driving to work, I was waiting in line to get on the freeway, when I happened to notice the billboard facing traffic. It was advertising the drink Clamato, that unusual clam-tomato mixing beverage. Never had the drink, but have to admit, it sounds like two things that really shouldn't so easily sit in the same bottle, just because they can converge into a catchy marketing name. It made me think that, maybe there is some merit to combining seafood and produce into one super culinary achievement, and here are some of my brainstorming ideas, complete with catchy compounds of common market items. What do ya think?

Watermelox - unleashes the salivating flavors of watermelon and lox, whenever you've got that Jewish-bagel/summermelon craving
Tunana - full of potassium and omega acids, this yummy concoction brings you the flavors of monkey-loving banana and the chicken of the sea, tuna. Mmmmm
Brocoleel - get your antioxidants by way of the deep blue sea, but scarfing this brocolli and eel creation
Troutichoke - two wacky flavors in one, as trout and artichoke squeeze together in one party-friendly drink
Groupeas - like your groupa with a side of peas? Well, now you can wash it all down with the same!
Halibeet - this red, fishy drink will have you and all your friends singing whale songs into the night about halibut and beets
Codiflower - cod and cauliflower the way mom used to make it
Crabbage - for the Irish in you, this crab and cabbage extravaganza will have you dancing the jigs all night long
Smeltabaga - bold and daring, this smelt and rutabaga product is an EXTREME! drink for the daring
Marlintel - this marlin and lintel drink goes down smooth...for what it is
Ocrarel - in the dumps because you can't sip mackerel and ocra through a straw? Well, buckle up, little trooper, your dream came true!
Carple - what the doctor ordered, a tall glass of apple and carp!
Apricuda - danger in a bottle, this barracuda and apricot beverage is like Steven Irving is in the living room!
Tangerdine - nothing quenches a thirst like tangerine and sardine running down your throat.
Snapparsnip - if this doesn't get you running out to the market, there's something seriously the matter with you

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Friday, August 29th, 2003
11:29 am

I post here everytime I run across a funny joke, but c'mon people, I'd like some help

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the
> difference between potentially and realistically?"
> The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother
> if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
> ask your sister if
> she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
> brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come
> back and tell me what
> you learn from that."
> So the boy went to his mother and asked, would you sleep with Robert
> Redford for a million dollars?"
> The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that
> money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
> The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
> Pitt for a million dollars?"
> The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with
> him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!"
> The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom
> Cruise for a million dollars?"
> "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
> could buy?"
> The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His
> father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially
> and realistically?"
> The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three
> million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a
> queer.

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Monday, August 11th, 2003
7:02 pm

Blonde Dials 911

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into.  She is
hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.  "They've stolen
the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the
accelerator!" she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm.  An officer is on the way.  He will be
there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's
telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Friday, July 11th, 2003
1:16 pm

A chicken and a horse were playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs
to the farmer but the farmer cannot be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to her friend,
the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'No, I think I can stand over the hole'. So he stretched his legs over the width of the hole and said, 'grab
for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up'. So the chicken grabbed hold of the horse's "thingy" and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!

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Saturday, July 5th, 2003
4:21 pm

2 englishmen walk into a bar in Birmingham and sit down at corner table. Once they get their pints they hear an irish accent from across the bar. First one turns to his buddy,

"Can you believe that? Whatch this." He walks over to the Irishman and says, "People tell me that St. Patrick was a sissy mary." The irishman looked up and replied,

"Well I'll be, I've never heard that one before." the irishman raises his glass, and the englishman walks back to his table in confusion.

"I don't get it, he should of been ready to fight for that one."

"You just don't know how to go about it, watch the master at work." says the 2nd englishman before he walks over to the irishman's table. Once he reaches the table, he taps the man on the shoulder and says,

"Ya'know what? I heard that St. Patrick couldn't hold his whiskey." The irishman looks puzzled and puts down his glass.

"Well, I can't say I knew that one my boy."

He walks back to his table and plops down in his chair, "i tell ya, there's no getting to that one." After a moment, the fist one grins and stands up.

"I know just the thing, you're going to love this. This one will set him off, and then we'll beat his potato eatin ass back to Dublin. The 1st englishman strides over th eirishman's table and takes a seat opposite him.

"Did you know... that St. Patrick, was an englishman?" The irishman looks up at this,

"Ya, that's what your friend was tryin to tell me."

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Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
4:33 pm - the mermaid

Jim is hanging out in a bar after work. He notices someone at a nearby table with a head 1/5 the normal size. Jim sits there for a while and eventually works up the nerve to walk over to his table.

"Do you mind if I ask you what happened to your head?"

"Of course not." he replies. "It all started 3 years ago when the plane I was on went down in the pacific ocean. I awoke on a tiny deserted island, where I lived reasonably well for 3 months. One day while I was combing the beach for driftwood, I happened upon a beautiful mermaid who was stranded on the beach. I dragged her back into the surf, and released her. Instead of swimming away she told me she give me 3 wishes for saving her life. I wished for the power to leave the island anytime I wanted, she closed her eyes for a moment and said I would be able to, I just had to speak the desire aloud. Secondly, I wished for all the money I could ever spend. At that I felt somthing in my pocket, it was a key. She told me it fit into a safety deposit box at a bank, under my name. I thought about it, and there really wasn't anything I needed, but as I said, she was very beautiful. I asked her if we could make love, but she said that she wasn't built for that kind of thing. I thought for a moment, and finally said,

How about a little head?"

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Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
11:52 pm

Gerald is the head butler of Mz Jefferson's estate. She walks into the living romm where he is cleaning up and stares at him dissaprovingly.

"Gerald." She says, cold as ice.

"Yes, Mz Jefferson?" he reples as he wipes sweat from his brow,

"Take my heels off," Gerald does as he is told, trembling like a leaf the while.

"Now take off my jacket." obediantly, he does what he is told.

"My blouse, take it off."

"Yes, madame" he replies and does accordingly.

"Tsk, tsk , tsk" she chides "Remove my skirt right now."

Gerald can only comply with his boss's demands.

"My bustier, take it off this instant." without meeting her eyes he does as he is told.

"Do I have to tell you everything, you pea brain, take off my garter belt."

Gerald stands there looking down at the ground, without a shred of dignity on his person, sweating pouring in buckets down his face. With a stern, exprssionless face Mz Jefferson berates him,

"If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you will be out that door before you can say unemplyment. Do you understand me, Gerald?"

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11:24 pm - my favorite joke(cheesy as hell)

Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender?

A: Give me a beer and a mop.

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Saturday, May 17th, 2003
8:58 pm
indred Tongue Twister

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''

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Monday, April 28th, 2003
6:32 am - A joke to break the ice...
indred Insurance Claim [16 Aug 2002|10:36pm]
Dear Sir:

"I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in Block 3 of the accident
report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my
accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident,
I was working alone on the roof of a new six story
building. When I completed my work, found that I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley,which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing
the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I
went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to
ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being
jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence
of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an
equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured
skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as
listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this
time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that
barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again
to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth
and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter
with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am
sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of
bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two
broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

current mood: Comedic

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